The Indian Male

These three words describe more than half a billion people, yet today they have a decidedly negative connotation, possibly because they have on innumerable occasions been used by various people to describe what is wrong with our country. Most of what you would read on the issue would be by women authors, obviously so. Accordingly we are depicted as dominating, wife-beating, self-worshipping, autocrats with a propensity to commit atrocities against those of the fairer sex. Admittedly this may be true for a few but (in my experience) broad generalizations seldom apply to enough to justify their use.
Face it some guys are completely the opposite, I’ve known of a guy who was physically beaten up by his wife and thrown out of his own house. Even though I feel he’s a bit of a pussy for not going to work on her with a hockey stick (the proper wooden, lawn hockey type), I can understand his reluctance; I might not be able to do it myself.
Since we are on the topic of violence toward women, lets talk about the whole dowry death thing. Men take a lot of flak on this issue, rightly so, if however you would chose to read the newspaper a little more carefully, you would notice that in such cases, the husband is often accompanied into police custody by his mother. The mothers are generally involved either in inciting their sons or in the act of murder itself.
I feel our mothers (and occasionally) fathers are responsible for the current sorry state of affairs. We are brought up to believe that we are demi-gods. No household is considered complete without a male heir. Many try and try and try and try some more, just for that elusive male child. When he does arrive, he is typically treated as a prize, how do you expect to raise a normal human being this way? We spend our entire youth getting what we want; convinced we can do no wrong. Why do they act surprised when we do? In most homes, women are subservient, quietly performing whatever is demanded of them, why do you then expect us to accept any other form of behaviour in the real world.
There’s nothing wrong per se with the Indian Male, we aren’t genetically predisposed to violence, we can be sensitive, affectionate and caring, it’s just that no-one bothers to tell us how to.

Flowers On Concrete

The Games People Play or, The Benefits of Driving Your Bike into A Wall

A five year old fell into a well a few days ago, he was dug up after 40 hours of being trapped 60 feet under the ground. While he waited (surprisingly) calmly to be rescued, above the ground the normal predictable scene played itself out. Huge crowds of people gathered and the media circus descended on ground zero. ‘Protectors of Indian democracy’ and all round odd-jobs-men, the Indian army volunteered their services. So while they dug, the political fraternity, unable to ignore the windfall, gathered around. Our great leader the Honourable Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh offered his prayers for the kid. Right on Dr. Singh, always focussed on matters of national importance. Statements like this can only help assert your capability for independent thought, and that you are not merely a puppet in the hands of that evil Italian. I would have allowed such a comment from Dr. Kalam our president because through his tenure, he has (commendably) made it his business to worry about almost everything that happens in the country. From the Honourable Dr. Prime Minister, however it seems indicative of his impotence and utter inability to implement any significant policies.
We endured about 40 hours of worried newsreaders informing us that no significant progress had been made while they continually described the situation for ‘viewers who have just tuned in’. I find it much easier to be ‘just tuned viewer’ nowadays, earlier you had to wait till the end of the show when they summed up the news. But today you can simply glance at the news ticker for the latest headlines, if you desire stock market quotes, there another ticker under the news ticker just for you and if perchance your heart desires a water purifier, English coaching classes or any other of the numerous featured products and services, glance at the advert ticker, under the stock market ticker. We have many news channels today but sadly most of their news is far from news worthy. So we watch, resigned as they report, hash, rehash, analyse, dissect and confer with experts. They are committed in their pursuit of the truth so we study in detail the mole on the cheek of a widow grieving for her dead husband as the camera zooms intermittently into her face while grave-faced newsreaders agree that dying is not a good thing for a husband to do. We watch her children; sitting mute, uncomprehending and we find that we don’t care anymore. They are committed to getting the inside story so we hear out what vegetable vendors have to say about the Indo-US nuclear deal and we find that we agree, now that is democracy at its’ finest.Coming back to the politicians and kids in wells, shortly after the five-year-old ‘Prince’ was rescued, the Honourable Chief Minister of Haryana announced that he would be awarded 2 lakh (two hundred thousand) rupees as ‘compensation’. For what? For falling into a well? Get serious. Little does the Honourable Chief Minister realise, his attempts to gain a little political mileage out of the situation may give rise to a whole new profession, ‘compensation claiming’. With politicians falling over themselves to provide compensation, there are ample opportunities for the enterprising youth. Active compensation claiming includes the fine arts of well-diving, bridge-jumping and electrocution-by-hanging-off-high-tension-power-lines. Passive compensation claiming entails falsely identifying bodies preferably from the scene of a terrorist attack as those of relatives and claiming compensation. Colleges all over the country are preparing to offer degrees in the subject too.

Entertaining Morality or, I’m Gonna get me a Moraldectomy

I’m not talking about amusing virtues, in my opinion, morality and entertainment are mutually exclusive. This is true particularly in the case of Indian morals, which vehemently oppose anything that can be vaguely entertaining. Our self appointed moral police have crusaded against everything, miniskirts, porn magazines and PDAs (public displays of affection) are all in short supply as a consequence. Now they have turned their focus on to the hallowed institution of cable television. Their first attempts, put an end to late-night Russian porn, the cable TV operators quickly filled the void by airing badly made Indian porn on their private channels. There is no comparison, from Playboy to Malyali porn; we have come a long way. This we had courtesy of Sushma Swaraj, the dumb bitch, no wonder the BJP was thrown out on their asses. Now a few years later the I&B ministry has decided that Indians are once again sliding down the slopes of virtue, down to the levels of the corrupt west. It was imperative that they act fast and act they did. Early this year, they banned a number of ‘raunchy’ music videos and rapped MTV and channel V on the knuckles for airing them. I did not object much at the time because the whole remix-a-classic-and-get-a-chick-to-strip-for-the-video thing was getting out of control and they were in essence promoting sex not music. The fact that it was a ban however made me a bit queasy, I know how we go about banning things in India with an almost Islamic fervour, I knew what was going to come next.
Today they announced that all movie channels on cable would not be allowed to air movies with a U/A certificate before twelve at night, the only movies to be allowed on daytime TV will be U rated movies. If the channels want to air a U/A movie, it’ll have to be snipped and re-certified. We have already been deprived of adult content, now all that will be left to watch will be kiddie movies and castrated crap. All that will be left to watch will be Disney and Pixar movies (any conspiracy theorists interested by this?). For a little ‘A’ rated entertainment, I’m going to have to watch the News. They wouldn’t dare ban that.
There are so many arguments against censorship; the right to chose, freedom of expression, relativity of morals and the fact that India is the land of the fact of the Kama-fucking-Sutra. These arguments are sadly however too intellectual and ineffective against people who think not with their brains but their ‘’ Morus” (pl. Mora) the organ of morality.
The Morus has been found to be highly developed in Indian and Islamic people, it sits between the cerebral hemispheres, filtering out any immoral thoughts that may shuttle between them. It digests and thrives on them, growing through an individual’s life, competing with the brain for space. Apart from serving as the seat of human morality, it has been found to increase in men the tendency to rape and abuse women. Women with large Mora tend to be more judgmental and will unhesitatingly help their men abuse other women.
It has been found through painstaking scientific research that in the imperialist, capitalist western brain, the Morus is a vestigial organ like the appendix. Christian fundamentalism has been attributed to an infection that allows the Morus to grow and regain function.
Both Eastern and western fundamentalism though can now be cured! Thanks to a ground breaking procedure the ‘moraldectomy’. To avoid complications, it must be performed at birth and the child subsequently requires nurturing in a loving and free environment.
Get a moraldectomy today.

Zen and the art of ruining a perfectly good motorcycle

No, I do not intend to write about any mystical eastern philosophy, reasons for which you may understand later, if I find the time to explain them. Neither does this in any way concern motorcycle maintenance (or the lack thereof).
My chosen title is a tribute to a book I read a long time ago, considering the fact that I am still not old enough to be called old may explain to you why I didn’t really understand any of it. Even if I did understand something, my memories of it are shrouded by the mists of time, irretrievable, irrevocably lost.
What I do remember is that subsequent to my reading it, I spent a significant amount of time explaining to anyone who cared to listen, what an important book it was. Looking back, I can hardly blame myself, I was about 14 at the time, a very impressionable age I might add. The book itself contributed in no small part to my actions, the copy I possessed was bursting with self-importance (if that quality may be attributed to a book) from its solemn two-tone (purple and grey) cover to the reams of praise on the back. Like I said I don’t blame myself for falling for the trap the devious publishers had sprung on me.I never attempted to re-read the book even once I had reached a mature age where I may have been receptive to its content. Partly because I couldn’t forgive the book for having made me play the fool and partly because my interests had shifted, Zen, No! Motorcycle maintenance, maybe.

Fundamentalism and Intolerance in India

Faith steals shadowy Behind vistas in the mind,
Curt, invisible reminder
Of values left behind.
Mankind makes its ascent,
Seeking new Faith to find.

This year has been a particularly fruitful one from the point of view of religious fundies. From an atheists perspective it has been quite funny watching people of different faiths bouncing around with religious zeal hoarsely decrying whatever it is that they feel the need to decry.
This is the year of the religious protest, is started off on a high note with the Danish cartoon thing, then things cooled off for a while as the word rested, awaiting the next fool who thought he/she had something to say. Ron Howard happily provided. Although I think worldwide, there was not that much of a protest, Indian Christians, living up to the reputation of our great country got into the act. They are however relative newcomers in the time honoured art of picketing and boycotting. So, the rest of us watched with much amusement as the media paraded bishops, cardinals and Goan fishermen, ineffectually pleading for a ban on the movie. Being a peaceful bunch, relatively inexperienced in the field of movie banning, they merely succeeded in postponing its release date. They have found their voice though and I fully expect them to grow in confidence, I predict that they will soon be protesting with the best of them in the near future. The current experts in the field of religious bigotry in India are the Hindu and Muslim community. They have been active in protesting from time of British rule in India. The Hindus lead in the numbers game and are current leaders in the game. Our leaders have specialised in whipping up mass frenzy and mobilising the people in order to throw maximum weight behind any cause. The Muslims make up for what they lack in constituents with fanaticism unequalled on the subcontinent.
Shortly after the Christians were done with the Da Vinci Code, the Hindus thought it necessary to demonstrate their clout. They are currently protesting two different seemingly insignificant issues, simultaneously! Unheard of.
Having witnessed such a promising start to this decade, one can but wait, impatiently, for the things to come

Love Faith and Mood Swings (Not necessarily in that order)

I sulk, I storm, I rage,
I weep, I snivel,
But they stand quietly by my ravaged body.
They truly epitomise true friendship.
Or are just really daft

Aah! Love the tender emotion that holds together so many millions. You were brought up surrounded by love grew up and sought love in your own age group. Once you find it engulfs you in a web of soft silken emotion. The pain of separation, the passion of union the longing the, feeling of belonging, funny, it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I’ve never felt any of it, despite being told repeatedly, on TV and in the movies what it should be, it remains utterly foreign to me. Am I lesser for lack of experience, does it make me less human? Would I like to be in love yes! It seems an integral part of the human experience, I just don’t know how to go about falling in love. I guess it’s a bit like faith either you have it or you don’t (I don’t have that either). Maybe its because I’m a single child; I love myself too much and I think I’m god!
Seriously though, are my lack of faith and lack of success in love interrelated or entirely separate phenomena? It wouldn’t surprise me if they were linked. Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t consider my lack of faith as any deficiency on my part. I do however acknowledge that a number of factors in my upbringing allowed me to question my faith, but that doesn’t mean my lack of faith is merely a consequence of my upbringing. There were a number of conscious decisions and a lot of thought that went into making me an atheist.
Now my question, are the two phenomena similar in nature? Is my inability to experience love resultant from some factor in my childhood, strengthened by some unconscious decisions made by me later on in life.
I have problems being close to anyone, I often pride myself in being able to maintain a distance from friends, I don’t know why. Sometimes I’ll feel intense loyalty for a friend and at other times I feel claustrophobic in relationships. Sometimes I like think about the little boy who would get down on his knees screw his eyes shut, fold his small hands and in all of his earnest innocence think that god would hear him if he just prayed enough.
The mood swings; sometimes I honestly think I have PMS without all the actual bleeding. My moods are fantastic, I can go from boisterously happy to foul-mouthed irritability in a space of under 60 seconds. I seriously wonder how people can keep up with me, I pity and am at the same time in awe of my friends for having to or being able to tolerate me. Why do they still talk to me they must be really nice people or too polite to tell me to fuck off. I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate me.
I know how aware people are of my temperament, I have often noticed people cautiously edging around situations that they know will provoke me. I often feel guilty for inspiring such fear in my best friends, but I just don’t feel like changing the way I am.